found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The uberlube is also flammable
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
