Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
