last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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