Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
