Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
