her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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