I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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