I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
