i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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