The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
