Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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