When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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