"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
