I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
