dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
