Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
