So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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