I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
