Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize