shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
