I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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