I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
