At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
