I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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