I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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