Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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