when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
