he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
