thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
