i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it penis luge time yet?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
