You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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