mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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