Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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