Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
