i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
