My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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