he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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