I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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