Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
