It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
