if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
