I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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