thus making me awesome and them whores
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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