dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the condom got lost in my hair
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
