I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
