Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want her autograph on my taint
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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