I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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