omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
sex in a hospital.. check
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
