i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
