I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
