she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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