My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
