Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
