mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
