A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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