Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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