I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
