I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
