So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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